Ransom of Cheesy Poofs
by Laid-Back Brit
Summary: Cartman kidnaps Wendy in an attempt to get a ransom of Cheesy Poofs in return for her safety. It's up to Stan and Kyle to rescue her!


**Disclaimer: I don't own South Park.**

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"Wake up, ya God damn bitch! I'm talking to you!"

Cartman clenched his fist. He was getting frustrated over how no matter how loud he was yelling, Wendy wouldn't open her eyes. She had not regained consciousness since he had knocked her out and taken her to his hideout. She remained slumped motionlessly in the chair she was tied to, the single bulb which shone down on her making her standing out in the darkness.

Cartman decided to use to more a more tactful method to revive her. He picked up a baseball bat from the floor – before using it to strike her on her head.

"Ow!" Wendy woke up at once, injured by the blow Cartman had delivered her. She looked around to find her captor standing near her, glaring as he continued to hit her head with the bat. "Cut it out, fat ass!"

Cartman smirked sinisterly. He threw the bat to one side before circling around Wendy. The bulb which shone down on them made his sinister gaze clear for her to see.

Although nervous of what Cartman could try to do to her, Wendy put on a brave face. She refused to let him see her scared. She just glared at him fiercely while trying without success to break free of the rope which bound her wrists together behind her back.

"What do you want, Cartman?" she hissed.

"You know very well want I want, Miss Testaburger." Cartman towered over her with his sly sneer. "I want your boyfriend's cheesy poofs!"

Disgusted over hearing what her captor's plan was, Wendy turned her head away. "He'll never give them to you!"

"Oh, he will, my dear..." Walking around to stand behind Wendy, Cartman bent down to rummage through a toolbox that was sitting on the floor. "...if he doesn't want anything to happen to you."

The sound of tools clanging inside the box made Wendy tense up nervously. Knowing how insane Cartman was, she had no doubt he would try just about anything to get what she wanted. She hoped the one he spoke would be able to rescue her before she met her end.

"If your boyfriend doesn't give me his cheesy poofs..." Cartman rose up from behind Wendy, his eyes wild as he held up a chainsaw. "...I'll rip the two of you apart with this!"

Wendy screamed in terror.

"Not so fast, fat ass!"

Cartman froze upon hearing a voice direct him from outside his base. He looked towards the large door to see it raise open. As light burst through to fill his dark lair, in came running the one who he was using Wendy as bait to lure to him.

"Stan!" Wendy cried.

Stan raced through the building, followed closely by Kyle. The glare on his face was filled with determination to save Wendy. He raised towards where she was sat in the chair, eager to get her away from the one standing over her who had kidnapped her.

"Hold it right there, Stan!"

Having the one he had hoped would come to rescue Wendy right where he wanted him, Cartman held the blade of the chainsaw close to Wendy's throat. He sneered as Stan and Kyle stopped a few feet away. He was pleased at the sight of the horrified looks on their faces, which told him they knew exactly what he was threatening to do.

"Don't come any closer," he warned, "if you don't want me to paint the walls of this place red with Wendy's blood!"

"Don't do it, Cartman!" Kyle yelled.

"Let her go!" Stan demanded.

"Oh, I'll let your little girlfriend go, Stan..." Cartman grinned menacingly as he held the blade of the chainsaw an inch from Wendy's throat. "...all the way to hell if you don't tell me where your cheesy poofs are!"

"Cheesy poofs?" Stan's glare disappeared as a puzzled look crossed his face over hearing what Cartman wanted as a ransom for Wendy. "That's what all this is about?"

"You already have a mountain of your own cheesy poofs, fat ass!" Kyle yelled.

"Shut up, Kyle!" Cartman snapped at his enemy's right-hand man before smiling evilly again. "Your friend's got some confessing to do..."

Stan stared bewilderingly at his enemy. "But, Cartman, I don't have any cheesy poofs-"

"DON'T LIE TO ME!"

As Cartman's thunderous voice echoed around the walls of the room, it was joined by an equally loud noise that made Wendy squeak with fear; her captor had pulled the cord of the chainsaw, causing it to buzz into life. The blade spun threatening near her throat, easily capable of sliding her head of

"Don't do it, Cartman!" Stan cried.

Cartman smirked smugly over how he thought he now had the upper hand. "Tell me where your cheesy poofs are and nobody will get hurt!"

"But how can I tell you where my cheesy poofs are if I don't have any?"

"I've told you not to lie to me, Stan!" Cartman's sneer disappeared to be replaced by a deep glare. "I _know_ you have cheesy poofs! I want them and I want them now!"

"You won't be getting any if your mom sees you playing with that chainsaw," Kyle suggested. "Whatever would she say if she saw a dangerous tool in the hands of her beloved little poopykins?"

"SHUT UP, KYLE!"

Cartman's voice exploded with high rage. He was far from happy that Kyle was bringing up to be heard how an evil psycho like himself was close to his mother. He gritted his teeth furiously, holding the spinning blade of the chainsaw closer to Wendy's neck.

"This is your last chance, Stan! Give me your cheesy poofs – or say goodbye to your friend!"

Beads of sweat rolled down Stan's face. He glanced towards Kyle in hope that he could help him out – realising from the worried expression he was wearing he didn't know how. He gazed towards Wendy. Seeing how terrified she looked made him feel guilty. He had no idea how he could save her – not when he didn't have what his enemy wanted in exchange for her.

"So that's how it is...I see!" Cartman glanced down towards his captive. Wendy gazed up at him with wide eyes full of fear, as well as reflecting the evil grin he was giving her. "Say goodbye to them, Wendy!"

Wendy gasped and shut her eyes tightly.

The ruthless villain drew his arm back in preparation to use the chainsaw to slice through his target – before leaving his captive behind as he suddenly charged towards the hero and his sidekick.

Realising it was _them_ who Cartman wanted to cut up instead of Wendy, Stan and Kyle screamed as they started to run away from him. He eyes as he started to chase them around his lair while the chainsaw he intended to drive through them buzzed away in his hand. Wendy could only watch from her chair as the boys circled around her, eyes wide upon learning it was not her life that was in danger.

As they left where they had been chased around Wendy, Stan and Kyle headed towards the door which had been left open when they had entered the hideout. They thought they would have less chance of being struck by the chainsaw if they led the one carrying it out into open space.

Almost as if he knew what they were planning, Cartman used all his strength to hurl the chainsaw in their direction. "Take this!"

"Guys!" Wendy squealed. "Look out!"

On realising the lethal weapon was flying towards them, still buzzing away, Stan and Kyle cried out before leaping out of the way in different directions. The chainsaw hurled through the spot where they had just been, it's blade slicing through the air as it just missed the boys.

That was when a certain kid in an orange parka walked cheerily through the entrance, unaware of what was flying in his direction as he greeted everyone inside, his voice muffled by the hood around his head. "Hey, guys! Sorry I'm late to play-"

Before another mumbled word could escape him, he was struck by the chainsaw as it soared through the air, the revving sharp blade instantly tearing through his head. He screamed in horror and pain as he was sliced up, showers of blood erupting from him.

"Oh my God!" Stan cried. "They killed Kenny!"

"You bastard!" Kyle yelled as he looked back over his shoulder towards Cartman.

Cartman barely took any notice of the insult that had been hurled at him, as something had caught his attention while Kenny had been shredded up. He made his way over to where the unlucky body lay in pieces in the large doorway. He rummaged among the bits of torn flesh and puddles of blood – before managing finding what he had caught a glimpse of during Kenny's painful demise. He held it up before him, unfazed from how bloodied it was as he smiled triumphantly.

"Cheesy poofs!" he cried. "So Kenny had them all the time!"

"You didn't know we were just playing, Cartman?" Stan exclaimed, astonished.

"You were seriously trying to kill us?" Kyle asked, his face white with shock.

"We were just pretending, dumb ass!" Wendy added, wishing she could untie herself so that she could hit him.

"Yeah, well there's nothing pretend about mah love for cheesy poofs!" Cartman flipped them off. "Screw you guys, I'm going home!"

With that, Cartman headed out of the building and went off towards his house, taking the bag of cheesy poofs with him, leaving the others alone with Kenny's corpse that had splattered blood all over the walls of the room they had been playing in.

Stan's heart sank as he looked all around at the mess which had been made on the walls of his house's garage. "Mom and Dad are gonna kill me..."

"Never mind, Stan..." Having been untied by Kyle, Wendy made her way over to her boyfriend side, giving him a warm gaze as she rubbed his shoulder comfortingly. "Thanks for saving me..."

Stan smiled. The special girl who he had been pretending to rescue seemed genuinely grateful to have been saved by him. He saw she was moving her lips towards him. Realising what was to come, he braced himself, ready to kiss the love of his life...

" _BLURGH!_ " Stan's lips parted for vomit to pillow out of them, splattering all over Wendy's face.

" _EW!_ " Wendy squealed in disgust and ran away as fast as she could, leaving Stan behind at his house with no further intentions to give him a kiss.

Stan watched her leave disappointedly, then looked down at pool of vomit he had just made, ruining his chance of a kiss from Wendy. A horrible smell was seeping from it as it added to how terribly messy the garage had become.

"Oh boy! Blood _and_ vomit? Your mom and dad really are gonna kill you now!" Having no plans to be there to support his best friend when his parents came home to find what had been done to their garage, Kyle raced away, leaving Stan all alone with the messy, bloodied, repulsive smelling mess with only Kenny's dead body to stay with him. "Later, dude!"

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 **The end.**


End file.
